From: Wren S <sunkitten@omail.com>
To: Adam Wheatley <abwheatley@omail.com>
Subject: Urgent - Call me!!!!
Date: Nov 20 @ 10:36 AM

Adam

I heard you’re not at Gravenhurst anymore. WTF??!! This is bullshit. I need you. 

I just called the office and asked for you, but the little gay one answered your phone and wouldn’t tell me anything. Then he tried to get me to do some stupid interview where I’m supposed to eat, like, spicy chicken wings on the internet.

I. Am. A. Vegetarian. How many times do I have to tell people that?

I feel like he would know that if he read the book. That is in the book, right? If it isn’t, we should put it in there. It’s important to me.

You need to fix this.

Call me. 212 555 3327

From: Wren S <sunkitten@omail.com>
To: Adam Wheatley <abwheatley@omail.com>
Subject: RE: Urgent - Call me!!!!
Date: Nov 23 @ 11:14 PM

Adam

I am not happy.

I did like seven appearances today. Seven, Adam. I’m exhausted. All I do is talk about this stupid book.  And now I have to fly to London tomorrow morning to do like three morning shows and then another interview where I’m supposed to eat chicken with some girl. Why is everyone obsessed with chicken!?

Call me.

W

From: Wren S <sunkitten@omail.com>
To: Adam Wheatley <abwheatley@omail.com>
Subject: RE: RE: Urgent - Call me!!!!
Date: Nov 24 @ 2:41 AM

Adamm

Tell the angry one I cantmaaake flight tomorrow. Sometingh important cam up.

Sorry to book, but very unavoidable. Death in fmily or somthin.

Very sorry

Wrennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

From: Wren S <sunkitten@omail.com>
To: Adam Wheatley <abwheatley@omail.com>
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Urgent - Call me!!!!
Date: Nov 27 @ 11:14 PM

Adam. This is serious. It’s been a week.

I need you to call me.

W

From: Wren S <sunkitten@omail.com>
To: Adam Wheatley <abwheatley@omail.com>
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Urgent - Call me!!!!
Date: Dec 2 @ 11:14 PM

Are you okay?

From: Wren S <sunkitten@omail.com>
To: Adam Wheatley <abwheatley@omail.com>
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Urgent - Call me!!!!
Date: Dec 4 @ 2:38 PM

I just want you to know that I don’t chase men, Adam. It’s a personal manifesto, and a point of pride. But I have to ask you something. Please.

And I also want to see how you are. I heard about what happened and that sucks.

Also, are you living at a hotel in Nunavut?

Wren

From: Wren S <sunkitten@omail.com>
To: Adam Wheatley <abwheatley@omail.com>
Subject: Very calm and respectful follow up to my previous email
Date: Dec 7 @ 5:23 AM

Hello, Adam

How are you? I hope that this email finds you well and that you are not currently hanging out backstage at a 3rd-tier morning show, waiting for your segment to begin, but not sure when it will start because they’ve sandwiched you between an interview with a hotdog eating contest winner, whose segment may run long, and a woman who won a regional pickleball tournament.

Yes, I certainly hope you are not currently in that very specific situation in the way that I am currently in that very specific situation, Adam!

I would leave immediately if I hadn’t gotten a call from some lawyer at Gravenhurst telling me I’d have to show up or else I’d be in breach contract.

I’m going to be completely honest and vulnerable right now, Adam. And I never do that.

I need you to work at Gravenhurst. Like, right now. Come back.

It’s terrible since you left. Everyone sounds like they’re mad at me and some woman named Corinne keeps calling me and talking about market research and how I should do a cookbook for next year. A cookbook, Adam. I don’t cook. I basically live on steak tartare and champagne.

Wait, is Corinne your boss? Is she the one that fired you? I’ll talk to her. Not about the cookbook thing. That’s never happening. But I’ll talk to her about bringing you back. I’m sure she’s forgiven you by now.

Wait… this guy ate 63 hotdogs? I must have heard that wrong.

Anyway, get back here. I never give compliments, but I like you more than I like Corinne. She girlbosses too hard. Even for me, even.

Wren

PS

It really was 63 hotdogs. Wild.